Issue date: 10/31/08 Section: Campus News

"Organize before they rise" is the advice given by zombie experts to those wishing to prepare for the return of the living dead. Given a zombie outbreak, however, how prepared is Stevens for the inevitable assault of the undead? What are the warning signs? How do you kill a zombie? And most importantly, which residence hall is safest to barricade in when the undead have taken over? The Residence Hall Association (RHA), seeking to arm the student body with knowledge, co-sponsored with WCPR a Zombie Defense Seminar on Wednesday at 8 p.m. in Jacobus Lounge in hopes of preparing Stevens for a zombie outbreak. Stevens is, unfortunately, ill-prepared and ill-equipped to face a zombie outbreak as of now. "I am shocked at how many students here at Stevens do not have a zombie contingency plan," said RHA President Regina Pynn '11 as the seminar began. Pynn explained the situation and said "Suppose you just heard over the radio that they're coming. You have one hour to get ready, get supplies, and get where you need to go. Where do you run to?" A number of zombie experts informed the crowd of what to do in case of an outbreak. Resident zombie expert, and Copy Editor for The Stute, Matt Keyser educated the crowd about zombie behavior and debunked widespread zombie myths, such as the idea that zombies can run, or that you can hide yourself from zombies by acting like one of them. "Some movies," said Keyser, "such as 'Shaun of the Dead' make it look like you can walk through a crowd of zombies as long as you act like one. This won't work. They would smell that you're a human." He also explained the causes behind some physical phenomenon of zombies, such as their groaning noises, or their inability to feel pain. He stressed that zombies do not have intelligence, and that they can't remember anything from their past life, noting that "When your Aunt Flo is bitten and reanimated, don't expect her to remember all those muffins she baked for you. Trust me, she can't." Also speaking was a team of defense experts, including long-range weapon expert Jackson Sarnaski-Hayes, short range weapon expert Sam Eichner, and self defense expert Vincent Lipoma. The team stressed the importance of comfortable clothing, no jewelry, and short, cropped hair. The team emphasized the need for simplistic weapons such as katanas, baseball bats, and long-range weapons as opposed to chainsaws and Gatling guns, which are dangerous, noisy, and ammo-consuming. Lipoma even used student volunteer Sean Mullaney '11 to demonstrate some hand to hand moves to use against zombies in case of emergencies. Trained EMT Dani Castioni was also there to provide some of the basics of zombie first aid. "My talk will probably be shortest," she said as she walked on stage, "because once you've been bitten you've got about 60 seconds before the virus runs all the way through your system." Castioni's only solution to a zombie bite was far from appealing as she held up a hack saw. "Amputation has worked in the past, but has only had about a 10% success rate," she said, "and it is going to hurt a lot. But if it worked for the guy in "Saw," it will work for you." Castioni also informed the crowd of symptoms of a zombie bite, including some advice on how to deal with a person who will eventually rise: "Run." The RHA was lucky enough to capture a live zombie outside of Humphreys residence hall to present to the students. With guns trained on the cage, Keyser pulled off the sheet covering it revealing the tragically undead Kamil Cichowicz reanimated inside. With a gaping flesh wound on his neck and his blank stare fixed on the crowd, the zombie could only rattle his cage as he eyed the dinner before him. At the end of the night, a panel of experts including Keyser, the defense experts, Castioni, Wai Bong Ng, and Taylor Sproul '11 examined which hall should be deemed safest in case of attack. Sproul explained to the crowd some basics of home defense including filling all baths and sinks with water and destroying or blocking off staircases. All residence halls were personally examined by the team, and it was deemed that Davis, Humphreys, and Palmer residence halls, as well 600 River Terrace, were all indefensible due to their easy accessibility through low windows, although Hayden was deemed defensible if cut off from the lower floors. The vote was eventually between CPA for its narrow halls, large doors, and bathtubs, and the upper floors of Jonas for its bulky furniture, straight layout, and two staircases. Jonas building, however, won by one vote due to health and safety concerns in staying in the CPA. The night turned out a crowd of about forty people interested in hearing what the presenters had to say about zombie safety. Pynn said it was a great crowd, saying "When was the last time this many people came out for a function that didn't involve free food or video games?" Defense expert Eichner said "This was a lot of fun. This is the first time I've ever gotten dressed up for one of my clubs." Despite all of this, the team still expressed some concern over the safety of Stevens' students in the case of a zombie attack. Keyser definitively stated "Stevens is not prepared for a zombie attack. We have the information out there now, but it's definitely going to take a lot more work."

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